Keisha Hester, MA Professional Writing & Rhetoric, Carnegie Mellon University (2012)
I met him when I was five. He was adorable and happy and I was just a sweet kid with a little bit of a crush. In first grade we were playing tag and he caught me behind the playground and tagged me with his lips. It was just a peck, but my goodness it was just the happiest thing. We started calling each other after school nearly every day and always doing what we could to spend time together in classes all through elementary school.

遇到他的時(shí)候我才5歲，當(dāng)時(shí)，他是一個(gè)非?？蓯矍铱鞓返哪泻ⅲ乙膊贿^是一個(gè)有點(diǎn)迷戀他的可愛小姑娘。一年級(jí)的時(shí)候，我們一塊玩捉人游戲，他在操場后面抓住了我，并通過嘴唇標(biāo)記了我，雖然只是輕輕一吻，但是天哪，這是我感到最高興的事情了。于是，我們幾乎每天放學(xué)都會(huì)給對(duì)方打電話，而且在整個(gè)小學(xué)期間，我們總是盡可能在課堂上待在一起。

We continued to be friends and all of our classmates were sure we were Cory and Topanga, that we’d inevitably get married and continue to be adorable for all of time. We officially started “dating” when we were 11, but it was always off and on, and extremely innocent. When we were finally in high school and what was between us felt like it could actually be something, like it was real and the beginning of something beautiful and permanent, I remember how everything felt like being pleasantly struck by lightning. One night at the drive in theater, we were sitting next to each other in separate camping chairs and he kept moving his hand closer and closer to mine inch by inch and when our pinkies finally bumped each other it was like I was alive for the first time, a shock spreading through my fingers and up my arm, seeping into my heart like hot mercury, heavy and strong.

我們一直維持著朋友的關(guān)系，所有的同學(xué)也都認(rèn)為，我們最后會(huì)和Cory和Topanga一樣（電視劇《男孩成長記》主人公Cory和Topanga最終有情人終成眷屬，譯者注）走近婚姻的殿堂并保持現(xiàn)在的可愛一面。在我們11歲的時(shí)候，我們開始了正式的約會(huì)，但這種約會(huì)總是斷斷續(xù)續(xù)的，而且很純真無邪。終于，當(dāng)我們上高中的時(shí)候，感覺彼此之間真的像發(fā)生了什么似的，好像，這是一件美好而永恒的事情的開始，在我印象中，一切都像被閃電擊中一樣令人愉快。在一個(gè)夜晚，我們?cè)陔娪霸豪锟措娪?，我們相互挨著坐在椅子上，?dāng)時(shí)，他的手一點(diǎn)點(diǎn)地在靠近我，并最終我們兩個(gè)人的小拇指碰到了一起。當(dāng)時(shí)，我第一次找到了自己活著的感覺，一陣震感從我的手指蔓延到了我的手臂，就像滾燙的水銀，滲入到了我的心里，那種感覺沉重而有力。

The trouble with falling in love so completely - and so young - is that you don’t recognize when things are changing, even when they’re going terribly wrong. He started to seem discontent as time went on, like he was bored with only having me. He cheated on me a few times. He’d break up with me because he thought he had a chance with someone prettier or more popular than me. But he always knew - everyone always knew - that he’d come back to me. Inevitable, our friends called it. I tolerated it all because I loved him, because I believed he was my happy ending, because I was holding on to the lightning spark and that adorable kid who made me feel alive, when that boy had long since shed his cocoon and blossomed into a full-blown asshole butterfly.

然而，當(dāng)事情發(fā)生變化，甚至變得非常糟糕的時(shí)候，那些深陷愛河的年輕人卻根本就沒有意識(shí)到問題的發(fā)生。隨著時(shí)間的推移，他開始變得有些不滿足，好像厭倦了只與擁有我一個(gè)人的感覺。他對(duì)我有過幾次不忠。他認(rèn)為自己有機(jī)會(huì)找到比我更漂亮可愛的女人，于是便和我分手了。但是，他心里明白，所有人都明白，他最終會(huì)回到我的身邊。正像我們朋友所說，這就是一種必然。正是因?yàn)槲覑壑瑘?jiān)信他會(huì)給我一個(gè)快樂完美的結(jié)局，因?yàn)槲乙恢痹谡湎莻€(gè)給我?guī)韾矍榛鸹ú⒆屛艺业交钪杏X的可愛男孩，即便那個(gè)男孩早已蛻繭成蝶。

When I went off to college we had broken up for a while (and I actually dated his best friend - that also ended terribly, but that’s a story for another day). Beginning of sophomore year we started talking again. Which, of course, led to dating again. I was 19 and he was 20, and he cheated on me. Again. But this time… with a 12 year old. I was horrified, of course, but I mostly just blamed myself for not being “enough” rather than facing the truth of what he was.

當(dāng)我上大學(xué)的時(shí)候，我們分手了一段時(shí)間（這段時(shí)間我和他的最好朋友也約會(huì)過，但結(jié)果也很糟糕，當(dāng)然，這是另外一個(gè)故事了）。在上大二的時(shí)候，我們倆又開始聯(lián)系了，然后開始繼續(xù)交往。當(dāng)時(shí)我19歲，他20歲，然后，他再一次背叛了我。但這次他選擇的對(duì)象，是一名年僅12歲的女孩。我當(dāng)時(shí)被嚇到了，然而，我主要還是在責(zé)怪自己，因?yàn)槲覜]有“準(zhǔn)備好”去面對(duì)一個(gè)真正的他。

We had some more back and forth after that - and believe me, I’m deeply ashamed of that - but finally one night beneath the stars and under a cloud of berry wine and tequila, he begged for another chance. He pleaded. He called out, “Keisha Lynn, you know it’s always been you!”

在發(fā)生這次不忠之后，我們之間又分分合合數(shù)次——相信我，我對(duì)此表示非常愧疚。終于，在一個(gè)漫天繁星的夜晚，在一片如同漿果酒和龍舌蘭酒的云彩下，他再一次祈求我原諒他。他向我懇求，并說“凱沙·林恩，你知道，我的心里一直都是你?！?/b>

Lynn is not my middle name. This bastard had known me for nearly two decades at this point and he still couldn’t remember my damn middle name. Yes, I understand this is a terrible moment to finally snap. He had been crushing my soul, my sanity, my self-worth for years, had been hurting other girls in the process, and really, this was the straw that broke the camel’s back? Yep. I’m sorry to say that it was.

呵，可是，林恩根本就不是我的中間名。這個(gè)混蛋玩意認(rèn)識(shí)我已經(jīng)二十年了，但仍然不記得我的中間名。是的，我終于意識(shí)到，這是一個(gè)很可怕的時(shí)刻。這么多年來，他一直在摧毀我的靈魂、我的理智和我的自我價(jià)值，在這期間，他也傷害了其他的女孩。這就是壓死駱駝的最后一根稻草嗎？是的，沒錯(cuò)。

I lost it. I screamed for hours. I let out everything I’d been bottling up. Blamed him for all that he did to me. All that he did to everyone else. He cried. I told him how much I regretted the trust I had given him so very young, and that the only thing I wanted from him ever again in this life was a time machine so I could go back to 1994 and never speak to his sorry ass in the first place.

我失去了它，痛哭了好幾個(gè)小時(shí)，我把藏在心里的一切都說了出來，責(zé)備他對(duì)我所做的一切，以及他對(duì)別人所做的一切。他也哭了。我告訴他，自己信任他是多么的后悔和幼稚。而我這輩子最想做的事情，就是得到一臺(tái)時(shí)間機(jī)器，回到1994年，選擇一開始就不和他這個(gè)可憐的混蛋說話。

That last straw moment happened in July. The following February he began a prison sentence for child pornography.

壓死駱駝的最后一根稻草發(fā)生在七月份。在第二年的二月份，他因?yàn)閮和樽髌烽_始服刑。

The stories others have shared of their first love being their true love - those stories are beautiful and I’m so happy that you found such wonderful partnership on the first try. You are blessed! But I wanted to share my story of first love turned very toxic, because I know I’m not alone in hanging on to something for far, far too long.

在別人分享的初戀故事里，人們最終都成為了彼此的真愛——這些故事都很美妙，你們?cè)诘谝淮螄L試?yán)锞驼业搅巳绱嗣篮玫陌閭H，我對(duì)此表示很高興。祝福你們！但是，我想分享的初戀故事很有毒，因?yàn)槲颐靼祝也⒉皇俏ㄒ辉谀臣律蠄?jiān)持很久的人。