如何讓孩子產(chǎn)生同理心？

3. Discussing how others feel. I talk to them often about how their actions (or others’ actions) might make other people feel. We have a lot of teaching moments every day, from when they recap their school days to me to when I tell them stories about work or when we see an interaction at the grocery store or schoolyard. They’ve asked me plainly about my feelings throughout the entire divorce, and I’ve been very honest with them. It’s been really good to be able to help them understand the emotions, especially when we talk about things like trust and how lying makes people feel. The side benefit is that they’re much better now about not lying (not perfect - still kids!), too. But it’s been really good for me, too, to talk to them about how their father’s affair partner and girlfriend probably feels. It forces me to be empathetic (even when I don’t want to be), and I think (I hope) it’s good for them to see me really trying, too.

討論別人的感受。我經(jīng)常和他們交流他們的行為（或其他人的行為）會給別人帶來什么樣的感受。我們每天都有很多時間來討論，從他們回顧他們的學(xué)校生活，到我給他們講工作故事，或是在雜貨店或?qū)W?？吹降氖虑椋瑹o所不談。在我的整個離婚過程中，他們直截了當(dāng)?shù)卦儐栁业母惺?，我對他們非常坦誠。這在能夠幫助他們理解他人的感受這一點還是挺好的，尤其是當(dāng)我們談?wù)撔湃魏驼f謊給人帶來的感受時。另一個好處是他們現(xiàn)在不再撒謊了（他們不完美，還是孩子）。但和他們討論他們父親的外遇和女朋友時我的感受，對我來說也很好。這迫使我變得有同理心（即使我不想這樣），我認為這對他們也有幫助。

4. Constantly pointing out similarities and creating bridges. I make it a point to talk everything out with them. When I get frustrated at an obnoxious driver in front of us, they’ll sometimes ask why I don’t honk or yell (gee, wonder where they see THAT modeling). I tell them that I try to only honk if it’s to help avoid an accident, and that I try really hard to be patient with people on the road because those people are people too, just like us. I tell them about how sometimes I still get really anxious driving in certain situations, and how much I appreciate drivers who are considerate of me or may let me and my big old van move into a lane when it’s crowded. I tell them how stressed it makes me if someone honks or yells at me. When they frx it that way, it helps them think about it. Having a brother with autism and having been around his sometimes intense meltdowns, my children automatically are much better about helping other kids in meltdowns. Sometimes, they may make a comment about that child being too old to throw a fit, and I remind them that people might think that about Marcus too, but that we know sometimes he can’t help it. We never know for sure what other people’s situations are like, but we have to keep focusing on how we’d want to be treated or want our brothers/sister/mother to be treated.

不斷指出事物之間的相似之處，建立連接的橋梁。我和他們無話不聊。當(dāng)我前面有一個討厭的司機，我對此感到難過的時候，他們有時會問我為什么不按喇叭或大喊大叫（哎呀，不知道他們在哪里看到別人這么做的）。我告訴他們，我只會在為了避免事故發(fā)生的情況下才按喇叭，我也會努力對路上的人有耐心，因為他們和我們一樣都是人。我告訴他們，在某些情況下，有時我開車也比較急躁，我非常感激那些為我著想的司機，也非常感謝那些即使在堵車的時候也能讓我的大貨車開進車道的司機。我告訴他們?nèi)绻腥藢ξ野蠢然虼蠛按蠼?，這些行為會給我?guī)砗艽蟮膲毫Α．?dāng)學(xué)會這樣子想問題的時候，就有助于他們思考。我有一個患有自閉癥的哥哥，有時他會經(jīng)歷很嚴重的精神崩潰，我的孩子自然而然地能夠給其他處于崩潰中的孩子更好的幫助。有時，他們可能會評論那個孩子長大了，不能再發(fā)脾氣了，我提醒他們，有時他也無能為力。我們永遠不知道別人的處境如何，但我們可以設(shè)身處地的想，你希望別人怎么對你，或者對你的兄弟姐妹。

5. Helping them imagine themselves in someone else’s situation. Often, we’ll talk about how other people must feel when … and it really helps them. Now, I hear my kids tell me, So-and-so was left out on the playground and was yelling at the other kids, but I knew he probably just felt left out, so I went to play with him. I’m so proud of those moments. Or I’ll hear them say so-and-so had an accident today after lunch, and I think he was really embarrassed, and I told the other kids it wasn’t nice to laugh because it hurts people’s feelings. Sometimes, they just tell me about something that happened where they didn’t directly intervene or respond, and I’ll ask them about how that person must have felt and they can tell me, then, unprompted, will talk about how they want to respond next time. It’s not always fun to be reminded to think of others, but it’s really good for all of us. “Do you remember how it felt when …” is a good conversation starter for these things. Once they remember how they felt and can lix it to how others might feel, it really helps them bridge that gap better.

幫助他們換位思考。通常，我們會討論其他人在某種情境下的感受，這對他們很有幫助?，F(xiàn)在，我聽到孩子們告訴我，某某被遺忘在操場上，沖著其他孩子大喊大叫，但我知道他可能只是覺得被冷落了，所以我去和他一起玩。我聽到他們這么做，我感到驕傲?；蛘呶視牭剿麄冋f某某今天午飯后出了什么事情，我能想到出事的人真的很尷尬，我告訴其他的孩子嘲笑他是不對的，因為這會傷害別人的感情。有時候，他們只是告訴我一些他們沒有直接參與或回應(yīng)的事情，我會問他們那個故事主角的感受，他們都可以告訴我，然后，在沒有提示的條件下，他們會討論下一次他們想如何回應(yīng)。提醒別人思考并不總是件有趣的事，但這樣做對我們大家都有好處?！澳氵€記得當(dāng)時的感覺嗎？”是一個很好的開場白。一旦他們記住了自己的感受，并將其與其他人的感受放在一起思考，這確實有助于他們更好地縮小人與人之間的距離。

6. Showing them the benefits to themselves. We’re all humans and at some level, motivated to make life better for ourselves. I talk to my kids about the wide range of empathy and my expectations of them to be kind and respectful because, as my eight year old puts it, “That is how we are in Mommy’s family.” And he’s right. Part of what I did after the divorce was have a family meeting with my four kids and me, and we talked about what our new family would be like. We decided that our main rules were Be Kind and Respectful. Almost everything else was covered by those two things. But I also tell them about the benefits. We talk about how people who are kind and empathetic are nicer to be around. How generally this means they’ll have more friends and better friends. How being this way will help them in school, in life, and in their careers.

告訴他們這樣做的好處。我們都是人類，在某種程度上，我們都是為了創(chuàng)造更美好的生活而奮斗。我和我的孩子們在各個方面都談?wù)撏硇模腋嬖V他們，我希望他們善良、尊重他人，因為正如我8歲的孩子所說，“我們在媽媽家就是這樣的。”他說的對。離婚后，我和我的四個孩子開了個家庭會議，我們討論了我們的新家庭會是什么樣子。我們共同決定我們的家規(guī)是是善良和尊重他人。這是指導(dǎo)其他事情的原則。但我也會告訴他們這樣做的好處。我們討論的是，和藹可親、富有同情心的人能夠和周圍的人更好的相處。一般來說這意味著他們會有更多更好的朋友。這樣做對他們的學(xué)習(xí)、生活和事業(yè)都有幫助。

7. Catching them doing it right. I don’t tie empathy or kindness to rewards (or even to punishments beyond a solemn discussion), but I do make sure I call them on it when I see it. When they model it to themselves and each other, just being noticed and praised is a reward in and of itself. I make sure they know how proud I am of them for working at it. Also, sometimes they don’t even realize that they’re employing empathy, so calling it out for them and their siblings helps reinforce the behaviors and make them not just instinctual but conscious at times, too. I think this is good — sometimes in life, we have to call on empathy beyond natural urges. I do this every time I have to talk to my children about their dad and his girlfriend — and I’m glad I do, but it’s hard and not as natural as inspiring empathy in them for a classmate. And I spell it out. I tell them the truth — sometimes it’s hard for me to consider X’s feelings and the struggles she is facing, but it’s the right thing to do, so I work on it. Reinforcing to them that it’s an active thing for everyone, not just children, is helpful. Now, my six and eight year olds sometimes will call ME on it and tell me that they’re proud of ME for thinking of X.

他們做對了的時候要表揚。我不會把同理心或善良與獎勵甚至是嚴肅討論之后的懲罰聯(lián)系起來，但我能夠確保我看到他們這么做的時候，我會讓他們知道。當(dāng)他們以自己和彼此為榜樣時，被關(guān)注和表揚本身就是一種獎勵。我確信他們知道我為他們所做的事情感到驕傲。而且，有時他們甚至沒有意識到他們運用了同理心，所以指出他們和他們的兄弟姐妹做得好的地方可以讓他們越來越好，這一點可以讓他們不僅是出于本能做這些事情，有時也是有意識的。我認為這很好。有時候在生活中，我們需要嘗試去理解我們不想理解的人。每次不得不和孩子們說起他們的父親和他的女朋友時，我都會運用同理心，我很高興這樣做了，雖然對我來說這很難，也不像他們對同學(xué)的同情心那樣自然。我會和他們說清楚。我告訴他們真相，有時我很難去考慮X的感受和她所面臨的掙扎，但我知道那樣做才是對的，所以我努力去做。向他們強調(diào)，這對每個人都是一件積極的事情，而不僅僅是孩子們，對每一個人都是有幫助的。現(xiàn)在，我6歲和8歲的孩子有時會打電話給我，告訴我他們?yōu)槲覍有同理心而感到驕傲。
原創(chuàng)翻譯：龍騰網(wǎng) http://www.flyercoupe.com 轉(zhuǎn)載請注明出處

8. Discussing how empathy can help them control and focus their emotions. We talk a lot together about impulse control and how not to react in anger or retaliation. A big tool for this is telling them to stop, imagine how the other person is feeling, then imagine how the other person will feel if they (my children) go through with whatever it is they wanted to do. Then, imagine someone doing to them or someone else in our family. Like with the road rage example, I show them this in our own lives, too. When someone is rude to us at a store, I keep my calm, and later, tell the kids that I have to imagine that this person is rude because they’re really hurting inside or have been treated badly themselves all day. That when I am really hurting and may not be at my best, I want people to try to be patient with me. It helps — them and me.

討論同理心怎樣幫助他們控制和關(guān)注他們的情緒。我們一起討論了很多關(guān)于怎么樣控制沖動以及如何在憤怒或報復(fù)中不做出反應(yīng)。一個重要的方法是告訴他們停下來，想象另一個人的感受，然后想象如果他們（我的孩子）做他們想做的事情，對方會有什么感受。然后，想象有人對他們或我們家的其他人這樣做。就像路怒癥的例子一樣，我也在我們自己的生活中向他們展示這一點。當(dāng)有人在商店里對我們無禮時，我會保持冷靜，然后告訴孩子們，我必須想象這個人是粗魯?shù)?，因為他們?nèi)心很受傷，或者自己一整天都受到不好的對待。當(dāng)我受傷了，并且我的狀態(tài)不好的時候，我希望人們對我有耐心。對他們和我都有幫助。
原創(chuàng)翻譯：龍騰網(wǎng) http://www.flyercoupe.com 轉(zhuǎn)載請注明出處

9. Talking about when things go wrong … for me. I also think a really important part of parenting and empathy is understanding when things go wrong. I’m not perfect. I yell at my kids more than I’d like to. Sometimes, I’m frustrated or tired and I have to literally ask them to give me fifteen minutes where I don’t talk to them. I try really hard to explain how I’m feeling. When I yell, I try to go back later, even if it’s much later, if I’ve yelled in the morning on the way out the door, and tell them I’m sorry I yelled and explain what happened. I’ll tell them — I got frustrated because X, Y, or Z, and I lost my temper. I shouldn’t have yelled, because it wasn’t kind or respectful, but I’m human, and I got overwhelmed by my frustration/stress/whatever. This allows them to understand how I might be feeling, and it does, in fact, help them with their own behavior, but also teaches them how to go back with a genuine apology later when *they* lose their tempers. I’m not perfect — really far from it, and owning it and explaining things to them is the best thing I can do to try to help them learn how to curb their own sharp tendencies, too.
All of these things together form a constant conversation and modeling dance that goes on, well, forever. Your kids learn it over time with you and from you, but also from each other and the world at large. Teaching them early to recognize feelings, to react to them, and to learn to put themselves into others’ perspectives is invaluable, and, in my opinion, one of the most critical things parents can teach their children. I like to think that I’m doing okay with this, especially since it’s one of the most important things to me overall, but there’s always room for growth.

討論如果出現(xiàn)了問題怎么辦？對我來說。我也認為養(yǎng)育孩子和培養(yǎng)同理心的一個重要部分就是如果出現(xiàn)了問題時要互相理解。我不是完美的。我對我的孩子大喊大叫。有時候，我也會沮喪或疲憊，我會要求他們給我15分鐘的時間，讓我不和他們說話冷靜下來，我盡力解釋我的感受。當(dāng)我沖孩子們大喊了之后，我也會盡量晚回家一點，如果我早上在出門的路上大喊大叫，我會給他們道歉，并解釋發(fā)生了什么事導(dǎo)致我大喊大叫。我會告訴他們，我因為X，Y，Z非常沮喪，我發(fā)脾氣了。我不該大喊大叫的，因為這既不友善也不尊重人，但我也是一個普通人，我被挫折、壓力、其他很多事情都壓得喘不過氣來。同理心讓他們能夠理解我的感受，事實上，這能夠幫助他們改善自己的行為，也教會了他們以后當(dāng)他們發(fā)脾氣的時候，如何真誠的道歉。我不是完美的，離完美還有很遠的距離，我盡我所能利用我的同理心和他們解釋，幫助他們學(xué)會如何控制自己的脾氣。
所有這些東西都是由持續(xù)不斷的交流以及動態(tài)的榜樣塑造出來的，好吧，隨著時間的推移，你的孩子會和你一起，也會從彼此以及整個世界中去學(xué)習(xí)同理心。早期教他們情感認知，對情感作出反應(yīng)，學(xué)會從別人的角度考慮問題，這些都是非常寶貴的，而且在我看來，這也是父母可以教給孩子的最重要的東西之一。我認為我在這方面做得很好，這是對我來說尤為重要的事情之一，但總的來說還是有成長的空間。

Jeremy Markeith Thompson, I leave family alone.

杰里米·馬基思·湯普森，我離開了家獨自生活

As a child, my mother took me and my sisters to Knowledge Corner in Chicago. This man had created a nonprofit that worked with people at a church. Every Sunday after we went to Catholic Church in Chicago,we’d go to Knowledge Corner at a Baptist Church.
We were the only children at Knowledge Corner. The rest of the people were adults with substance abuse issues. We would eat food and listen to the adults talk about their lives.
I’ll never forget hearing this man talk about his victories with not drinking alcohol. He’d talk about walking down a street in Chicago, constantly being bombarded with alcohol and alcohol advertisements, being tempted, and finding the courage to only drink a soda pop. I always felt such sadness when listening to him speak. I always thought that he was being tortured by his environment.

小時候，母親帶我和我的姐妹們?nèi)ブゼ痈绲闹R角。有個人創(chuàng)建了一個非營利組織，與教會的人一起工作。每個星期天我們在去了芝加哥的天主教堂后，都會去知識角。
我們是知識角里面唯一的小孩子。其余的人都是有毒品濫用問題的成年人。我們邊吃東西邊聽大人談?wù)撍麄兊纳睢?br /> 我永遠不會忘記這個人講述他拒絕酒精誘惑的成功經(jīng)歷。他講到當(dāng)他在芝加哥的街道上散步的時候，不斷受到酒和與酒有關(guān)的廣告轟炸，他被誘惑了，但最終找到了只喝一杯汽水的勇氣。聽他講話時，我總是感到很悲傷。我一直以為他深受他所處環(huán)境折磨著。

Other people would talk about their recovery from addiction to drugs. They’d mention how they had a great job, spouse, children, and home before using drugs. I could feel the pain in their voice as they spoke about destroying their lives.
My mother made sure that we learned that life wasn’t only a bowl of cherries. She let us come into contact with seniors at the nursing home, homeless people, divorced people, homosexual people, people with mental health illnesses, people with developmental issues, people that lacked stable home environments, and people with so many other issues.
This helped build my empathy and understanding since being a child. I was never blind to the world that I inhabited. I think that it is very valuable to expose children to the world. They need to see that it’s more than just video games and cartoons.
I would suggest volunteering at a food bank, visiting a homeless shelter, meeting other children at a women’s shelter, and volunteering at an animal shelter.

其他人會講他們怎么戒毒。他們會提到他們在吸毒前擁有好工作、好配偶、好孩子和一個好家庭的。當(dāng)他們談到自己毀了自己的生活時，我能感覺到他們聲音中的痛苦。
我媽媽讓我們明白了生活不僅僅只有好的一面。她讓我們接觸到養(yǎng)老院的老人、無家可歸的人、離婚的人、同性戀者、患有精神疾病的人、有發(fā)育問題的人、缺乏穩(wěn)定的家庭環(huán)境的人以及其他許多問題的人。
這些經(jīng)歷，有助于我從小就建立起同理心。我從未對我周圍的事情視而不見。我認為讓孩子們接觸這個世界是非常有價值的。他們需要看到的不僅僅是電子游戲和卡通。
我建議在食物銀行（為經(jīng)濟有困難的人提供暫時性的膳食支援）做志愿者，可以拜訪無家可歸者收容所，在婦女收容所和其他小孩子玩，在動物收容所做志愿者。

Heather 'Harris'Smith, Music Teacher (2006-present)

海瑟哈里斯史密斯，音樂老師（2006年至今）

I think that intentionality and seizing your opportunities is the key here. When they are very young I often did the hurtful things back to them. If they hit me, I hold their hand and tell them no. If they do it again I say “ouch” and “cry.” They are usually tender hearted enough to get the picture at that point. If they bite me I would sometimes gently bite them back on the finger so they understand what they just did to me, making sure to say “see...... biting hurts. Don't bite. Ouch!”
When they get older and begin hurting with words you shift again. When things happen ask them how they feels. When you see bad things happen to others in movies model empathy by sharing your thoughts on how others might feel. Be honest and open about your own regrets and mistakes. Share when you have hurt others and express remorse.
You also have to really keep your eyes open for when they get “a dose of their own medicine” as well. Don't rub it in their faces. That never goes over well. First, truly empathize with them and how they feels. Use this a conversation point to be vulnerable and admit a mistake of your own or when you hurt someone in that way. This helps them drop their defenses. You can then use that to turn their attention to the effect of their own actions. When you hurt “so and so” did you want to hurt them? If so, why? If not, what emotional turmoil or distraction caused you to forget their feelings. Often the most hurt and damaged in life are the ones that do damage to others. They can even build empathy for those that hurt them because they, themselves hurt others.

我認為這個問題的關(guān)鍵是有意識的引導(dǎo)以及抓住機會。當(dāng)他們很小的時候，我會讓他們經(jīng)歷和我一樣的傷痛。如果他們打我，我會握著他們的手，告訴他們不要這么做。如果他們再打我，我會說“哎喲”然后哭起來。他們通常都變得很溫柔，也能夠理解當(dāng)下的情景。如果他們咬我，我有時會輕輕地反咬他們的手指，讓他們明白他們剛才對我做了什么，一定要說：你看，咬人很疼。不要咬人。哎喲！
當(dāng)他們長大了之后，他們開始用言語傷害的時候，就改變方式。當(dāng)事情發(fā)生時，問問他們的感受。當(dāng)你在電影中看到他人遭遇不幸時，你可以分享你對這件事情的看法，來樹立同理心。坦誠面對自己的遺憾和錯誤。當(dāng)你傷害了別人的時候，你需要給人家道歉并且表示你的懊悔。
等他們理解“以其人之道，還治其人之身”的時候，你要更加注意了，不要故意戳他人的痛處。這件事永遠都不會有好的結(jié)果。首先，真正理解他們和他們的感受。你要利用這個要點，把自己置于低處，并且承認自己的錯誤，或者當(dāng)你用這種方式傷害了別人時。這有助于讓他人的注意力就會集中到他們自己的行為上。當(dāng)你傷害“某某”的時候，你想傷害他們嗎？如果是，為什么？如果不是，是什么情緒波動或不集中注意力導(dǎo)致你忘記了他們的感受。生活中受傷程度最多的，往往是那些傷害他人的人。他們甚至可以對那些傷害他們的人產(chǎn)生同理心，因為他們自己也傷害了別人。