笑話版：政治/民族/宗教類笑話若干則（上）
A powerful Emperor advertised for a new Chief Samurai. Only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai,
譯文簡(jiǎn)介
一代雄主在招募一位新的首席武士。只有三個(gè)人來(lái)應(yīng)征這一職位：一個(gè)日本武士，一個(gè)中國(guó)武士和一個(gè)猶太武士。
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一代雄主在招募一位新的首席武士。只有三個(gè)人來(lái)應(yīng)征這一職位：一個(gè)日本武士，一個(gè)中國(guó)武士和一個(gè)猶太武士。
The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and "swish"; the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!
“一號(hào)武士，展示你的技藝吧！”皇帝下令。
日本武士走上前，打開了一個(gè)特別小的盒子，放出一只蒼蠅。他拔出他的武士刀，“唰”的一聲，蒼蠅掉在了地上，整齊地被分成了兩半！
The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and "swish, swish"; the fly fell to the floor, neatly quartered!
“好身手！”皇帝說(shuō)?！岸?hào)武士，讓我見識(shí)一下你的能力。"
中國(guó)武士胸有成竹地笑了笑，走上前，打開了一個(gè)特別小的盒子，放出一只蒼蠅。他拔出他的武士刀，“唰，唰”兩聲，蒼蠅掉在了地上，整齊地被分成了四半！
In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead."
"Dead, schmed," replied the Jewish Samurai. "Dead is easy. What takes REAL skill is circumcision"
“真是絕技啊！”皇帝點(diǎn)了點(diǎn)頭。“三號(hào)武士，你準(zhǔn)備如何超越他呢？” 三號(hào)武士走上前，打開一個(gè)特別小的盒子，放出一只蒼蠅，拔出他的武士刀，“嗖嗖”地?fù)]舞著他的刀，那超強(qiáng)的勁力生出一陣風(fēng)，一路拂過(guò)房間。但嗡嗡聲沒有消失，那只蒼蠅還在飛來(lái)飛去！
皇帝很失望，說(shuō)到：“你這也算本事？那蒼蠅都還沒死呢。”
"死，笨蛋，"猶太武士回答，“死太容易了。真正考驗(yàn)技藝的是割禮?！?br /> （評(píng)論區(qū)）
The first Jewish president gets elected and he calls his mom to tell her the news.
史上第一位猶太裔總統(tǒng)當(dāng)選了，于是他打電話給母親，好告訴她這個(gè)消息。
“Well, what will I wear?”
“I’ll send you to a tailor and you can get whatever you want custom made.”
“Is the food there going to be Kosher?”
“Mom, I’m the president, they’ll serve what I tell them to.”
“The traffic in Washington will be horrible. I don’t want to drive”
“Mom I’ll send a limo to pick you up and drop you off”
“媽媽，我選上總統(tǒng)了。我希望你能來(lái)參加就職典禮?！?br /> “好吧，那我穿什么呢？”
“我會(huì)把你送到裁縫那里，你想要什么樣的衣服都能給你定做?！?br /> “那里會(huì)提供猶太潔食嗎？”
“媽媽，我可是總統(tǒng)，我讓他們上什么菜，他們都會(huì)照辦的。”
“華盛頓的交通情況會(huì)很可怕。我不想開車?！?br /> “媽媽，我會(huì)派一輛豪華轎車來(lái)接送你?！?/b>
“Yes ma’am”
“His brother’s a doctor”
最后他還是說(shuō)服了她，她也出席了，坐在了最高法院的人和閣僚之間。她伸手輕輕推了推首席大法官的胳膊，說(shuō)：“嘿，看到那個(gè)在上面發(fā)表演講的男孩了嗎？”
“看到了，夫人?！?br /> “他哥哥是個(gè)醫(yī)生?！?/b>
原創(chuàng)翻譯：龍騰網(wǎng) http://www.flyercoupe.com 轉(zhuǎn)載請(qǐng)注明出處
True story, I went on a business trip with a Jewish coworker. Met him in the hotel for breakfast, and I see him just standing and staring at the table where the breakfast 'buffet' is laid out. I go over and ask if he's ok, he looks at me with a dead expression and said he was just trying to figure out if he should disappoint his mother or his father.... I'm like dude what? He just points at the big tray and says 'free bacon'......
這是一個(gè)真實(shí)的故事，我和一個(gè)猶太同事一起出差。和他約在酒店見面一起吃早餐，我看到他就這么直挺挺地站在那里，死盯著擺放“自助”早餐的桌子看。我走過(guò)去詢問(wèn)他還好嗎，他一臉?biāo)罋獾乜粗?，說(shuō)他只是在苦思冥想，是應(yīng)該讓他的母親失望，還是讓他的父親失望...我心說(shuō)，老兄，你在說(shuō)什么亂七八糟的？他直直地指著大盤子說(shuō)“免費(fèi)培根”…
I think that's the implication .I don't know
（回）這個(gè)笑話說(shuō)的是，猶太人對(duì)免費(fèi)的東西從來(lái)都是來(lái)者不拒的。和貪婪有點(diǎn)關(guān)系。但也涉及到禁食豬肉。吃它便是破教規(guī)。拒絕免費(fèi)的東西會(huì)讓他的父親失望，但去吃不合教規(guī)的東西會(huì)讓他的母親失望。
我想這就是個(gè)中意涵。我也不確定。
To quote a Rabbi I used to work with, "Shit happens, usually to the Jews".
引用以前一位同事的話，他是位拉比：“破事兒時(shí)有發(fā)生，但通常都會(huì)發(fā)生在猶太人身上。”
（回）懂的懂的。我們是您的選民。但您偶爾就不能選選別人嗎？
An old jew, holocaust survivor, dies and goes to heaven. Standing before god’s throne, the old jew asks god if he can tell the almighty a joke. God says "sure", and the so the old jew tells the almighty a holocaust joke. God frowns and tells the jew "that’s not funny", but the old jew just shrugs and responds "guess you had to be there."
有個(gè)猶太老人，他是大屠殺的幸存者，死后上了天堂。這位猶太老人站在上帝的寶座前，問(wèn)上帝他能不能給全能的上帝講個(gè)笑話。上帝說(shuō)，“當(dāng)然可以”，于是猶太老人就給全能的上帝講了一個(gè)關(guān)于大屠殺的笑話。上帝眉頭一皺，告訴猶太老人說(shuō)，“這可不好笑”，但猶太老人只是聳了聳肩，回答說(shuō)，“我猜當(dāng)時(shí)你肯定在那里?！?/b>
Donald Trump finds a magic lamp. He rubs it, and a genie comes out.
唐納德·特朗普發(fā)現(xiàn)了一盞神燈。他擦了擦它，一個(gè)精靈冒了出來(lái)。
Trump: "I'm tired of getting sued for everything I do. I want there to be no more courts.
Genie: "Granted. You have no wishes left."
Trump: "What the hell? You told me I had three wishes, and I only used one!"
Genie: "Sue me."
精靈：“我愿意滿足你三個(gè)愿望?！?br /> 特朗普：“我厭倦了自己做什么都會(huì)被起訴。我希望法院不復(fù)存在?！?br /> 精靈：“準(zhǔn)了。你的愿望用完了?！?br /> 特朗普：“搞什么??？你明明告訴我可以許三個(gè)愿望，而我只用掉了一個(gè)！”
精靈：“去告我呀。”
（評(píng)論區(qū)）89
Dude just queues up the first thing on his mind and just lets his brain leak out of his mouth, I swear to God. Trump's speeches have been nothing more than mumble and babble to me.
這家伙無(wú)非是讓他腦子里冒出來(lái)的第一件事去排隊(duì)等待，然后讓他的腦子從他的嘴里漏出來(lái)，我可以向上帝發(fā)誓。在我看來(lái)，特朗普的演講不過(guò)是喃喃自語(yǔ)和胡言亂語(yǔ)，沒別的了。
Shouldn’t it be more like:
Donald Trump rubs the lamp
Genie “Oh not you again, I already made you a billionaire, gave you a hot wife and made you president! I told you, you’re on your own now!”
更接近的不該是這樣的嗎：
唐納德·特朗普擦了擦燈
精靈：“咦，怎么又是你，我已經(jīng)讓你成為了億萬(wàn)富翁，賞了你一個(gè)性感的妻子，還讓你當(dāng)了總統(tǒng)！我之前都告訴過(guò)你了，你現(xiàn)在只能靠自己了！”
Obama has to chat with Trump on Inauguration Day. Michelle advises him to tell Trump about the White House staff.
Obama tells Trump that Charlie, the White House barber is great.
"He shaves me every morning. A hot towel and some bay rum and I'm ready for anything."
Trump says "If I used bay rum, Melania would tell me I smelled like a whorehouse."
Obama says "Guess I'm lucky. Michelle has no idea what a whorehouse smells like."
奧巴馬不得不在就職典禮當(dāng)天和特朗普寒暄一番。米歇爾建議他跟特朗普講講白宮工作人員的情況。
奧巴馬告訴特朗普，白宮的理發(fā)師查理手藝很棒。
“他每天早上都會(huì)給我刮胡子。還會(huì)給我送上一條熱毛巾和一些灣朗姆酒（譯注：某種須后水），這樣我就準(zhǔn)備好迎接一切了?！?br /> 特朗普說(shuō)：“如果我用了灣朗姆酒，梅拉尼婭就會(huì)告訴我說(shuō)，我身上有妓院的味兒?！?br /> 奧巴馬說(shuō)：“那恐怕就是我的幸運(yùn)了。米歇爾完全不知道妓院是個(gè)什么味兒。”
（譯注：灣朗姆酒（bay rum）為某種須后水）
Vladimir Putin suffers a heart attack amidst the Ukraine crisis, and falls into a coma...
... A few years later, he wakes up, gets back on his feet and walks out of his room, right past the sleeping guard.
普京在烏克蘭危機(jī)期間心臟病發(fā)作，并陷入了昏迷...
...幾年后他蘇醒了，重新站了起來(lái)，經(jīng)過(guò)那個(gè)睡著了的警衛(wèi)，走出了他的房間。
他走出醫(yī)院，來(lái)到莫斯科的街頭，發(fā)現(xiàn)大多數(shù)人都認(rèn)不出他。幾年的植物人狀態(tài)似乎已經(jīng)傷及了他的外表。在四處游蕩了一會(huì)兒后，他跌跌撞撞地走進(jìn)了離他最近的一家酒吧。他坐上吧臺(tái)，點(diǎn)了一整杯伏特加。
The bartender is confused, but replies: "2025..."
Putin takes another sip of his drink to process this information. He then asks: "And Crimea, is it still ours?"
Bartender proudly replies: "Still ours!"
Putin nods in approval and takes another sip. Then, he follows: "And Kiev, is it also ours?"
Bartender replies: "Kiev also ours."
他驚魂未定地抿了一小口，鼓起勇氣問(wèn)酒保，“今年是哪一年？”
酒保很困惑，但還是回答說(shuō)，“2025年...”
普京又抿了一口酒，以便消化這個(gè)信息。他接著問(wèn)道，“那克里米亞呢，它還是我們的嗎？”
酒保自豪地回答：“還是我們的！”
普京贊許地點(diǎn)點(diǎn)頭，又喝了一口。他接著文，“那基輔呢，也是我們的嗎？”
酒保回答說(shuō)：“基輔也是我們的。”
Bartender: "100 hryvnias!"
普京的臉頰上漾開了一個(gè)大大的笑容，他終于喝完了這杯酒，并問(wèn)酒保：“這杯伏特加多少錢？”
酒保：“100格里夫納！”
What do tofu and a dildo have in common?
They’re both meat substitutes
豆腐和假陽(yáng)具有什么共同點(diǎn)？
它們都是肉的替代品
（評(píng)論區(qū)）
原創(chuàng)翻譯：龍騰網(wǎng) http://www.flyercoupe.com 轉(zhuǎn)載請(qǐng)注明出處
When a girl buys a dildo, its seen as a bit of naughty fun and she is called a sexy kitten. But when I buy a 240 Volt FuckMaster Pro 5000 blowup latex doll, together with optional built in realistic orgasm scream surround sound system, I'm called a pervert.
一個(gè)女孩買了一個(gè)假陽(yáng)具，會(huì)被看作一種帶點(diǎn)不正經(jīng)的小樂(lè)趣，而她也會(huì)被稱為性感小貓?？墒钱?dāng)我買了一個(gè)240伏的FuckMaster Pro 5000充氣乳膠娃娃，配上了可選的內(nèi)置擬真高潮尖叫環(huán)繞聲系統(tǒng)，我被說(shuō)成了變態(tài)。
Excuse me for intruding, but, do you have a lix for such a device? Asking for a friend.
請(qǐng)?jiān)徫业拇驍_，但你有這種設(shè)備的鏈接嗎？我替朋友問(wèn)的。
They both take on the flavors of what they're put in.
它們都帶有被放進(jìn)去的地方的味道。
They’re both filling but they’ll both make you dream of the real thing
它們都是填充物，但它們都會(huì)讓你渴望真家伙。
Both better firm.
這兩者都是越堅(jiān)挺越好。
原創(chuàng)翻譯：龍騰網(wǎng) http://www.flyercoupe.com 轉(zhuǎn)載請(qǐng)注明出處
Both are excellent vehicles for flavor
兩者都是味道的絕佳載體。
原創(chuàng)翻譯：龍騰網(wǎng) http://www.flyercoupe.com 轉(zhuǎn)載請(qǐng)注明出處
Time to be pedantic in a joke subreddit:
Using tofu as a meat substitute is not using tofu right.
Give Mapo Tofu a shot. It's main ingredients are pork and tofu together. It's delicious.
是時(shí)候在笑話版里賣弄一下學(xué)問(wèn)了。
把豆腐當(dāng)成肉的替代品，并不是豆腐的正確用法。
給麻婆豆腐一個(gè)機(jī)會(huì)吧。它的主要成分是豬肉和豆腐。它很美味。
Raphaeldagamer
Q: How many roaches does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Can't tell, as soon as the light goes on, they scatter!
問(wèn)：擰上一個(gè)燈泡需要多少只蟑螂？
答：這可說(shuō)不好，燈一亮，它們就會(huì)一哄而散！
原創(chuàng)翻譯：龍騰網(wǎng) http://www.flyercoupe.com 轉(zhuǎn)載請(qǐng)注明出處
A: one. He just holds the lightbulb and waits for the world to revolve around him.
問(wèn)：換一個(gè)燈泡需要多少個(gè)自戀狂？
答：一個(gè)。他只須握著燈泡，然后等著全世界繞著他轉(zhuǎn)。
Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"
Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"
She points up and says: "3 pulls"
Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.
Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
Girl: "Yeah I was jut kidding, I can heal paraplegics"
Professor X, still standing: "Oh my god"
X教授問(wèn)一個(gè)女孩：“作為變種人你的超能力是什么？”
女孩回答道：“我可以猜出在第一次嘗試時(shí)，拉多少下才能把吊扇關(guān)掉！”
她手指上方，說(shuō)：“拉三下”
X教授站起來(lái)，拉了三下。拉完第三下后，風(fēng)扇就被關(guān)掉了。
X教授：“是很酷，但這不算是真正的超能力...”
女孩：“是的，我只是開個(gè)玩笑，我真正的能力是治愈截癱患者?！?br /> 此刻依然站著的X教授：“我的上帝??！”